Today I came across two very timely blogs/articles.
As you probably pretty well know I am going to be entering into a lifelong covenant, before God, with my best friend (hence the 52 days).
I kind of freaked out typing that, not going to lie. Don't get me wrong. I'm so excited!! I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. So again, let me explain the freak out. There are a billion threads tying into this post, so bear with me.
Unfortunately I am a rather emotional person but I also tend to be very analytical, and as it has recently been said, I dissect things until they are dead-- three times over. (On my personality test my Think and Feel points were only 1 point apart! It's a war inside my head quite often, my friends.)
So let me tell you my emotions and analysis.
I really love stability and I fear change. There are so many changes going on in life right now-- friends going there separate ways, my nephew growing older, graduating college and considering the next steps-- I fear losing what I love--people I love. I tend to say "yes" to everything because I don't want to miss anything. I wish I could be everywhere, I wish I could remove all pain, and I suppose C.S. Lewis quite about love would fit in quite well right here:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Decline and death became more real to me this summer watching my grandma. Simply by getting older, you come to realize your mortality. And so there is the phrase that I will be saying,
"'til death do us part."
And I wonder what that will really mean. Today, after reading an article a friend had sent me about being able to suffer well-- the opposite of Job's wife. Enduring and being able to laugh all at once. Then, I came across an article about Alex & Brett Harris-- a few years older than me and the founders of the "Rebelution" whom I followed and read in high school. (Do Hard Things is a GREAT book for teens and, really anyone by the way!) Both are now married, but one's wife became very ill after marriage and he now bathes her, carries her, and takes care of her. I also am reminded of a couple who was married even though they knew she would not live an average length of life.
And so today, as I thoughtfully and intently looked at the man I'm going to be marrying in about 50 days I wondered-- what will have changed in 20 years? What hardships will we have faced? What about in 40 years? What will he look like? Will his hairline recede? Will he develop deep wrinkles in his forehead that reveal his age? What will I look like? When will my hair turn gray? What hard things will we have fought and held onto each other through?
And that, considering all the possibilities, the statistics, the what ifs, the fear of being uncomfortable and enduring pain, they could leave me paralyzed and unable to love freely. They could leave me running away or hovering-- grasping onto every last ounce of security I can possibly control.
Oh, and here is more about love. Since I finished my Radical Womanhood book by Carolyn McCulley I decided to pull out Tortured for Christ. The true love of Christ brought tremendous hardship, separated families, and lives ended-- men and women who joyfully endured and praised God as they met Him face to face. Greater love hath no man than this.
And so, here I am tying all these threads together-- knowing that I am called to love through the hardships. Love hopes and endures, after all. I am called to pour my life out, ultimately all for the glory of God but the method could be any.
Love is sacrifice. Love NOW. Serve NOW. Cherish all moments. Do not fear hardships-- they are not random or unnoticed. They are appointed. As children of the King we are never forsaken. This is not all there is--Heaven is coming. Laugh even in the hard times. Praise Him. Know that He is our strength, He is sovereign, He is our delight.
One last thing-- I cannot do this. We cannot do this. It must be Christ in us. As one of my psych professors says, we must be in a dependent and abiding relationship with Christ. Our hearts must be yielded to Him. It must be of Christ, for Christ, and through Christ. Pray for us, pray for your marriage or wherever God has you right now. Pray that love would abound and that Christ would increase.
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