Die Already.

It creeps up all too often.

That awful, deceptive feeling that we all try to push down deep inside {or at least I imagine it to be something we all deal with..}

The echoing words, "You aren't good enough."

"You aren't as talented."

"Lydia, you aren't even interesting."

"You're being annoying."

I could probably go on and on with the things that I've heard myself say. It's not something I enjoy admitting. I wish I had it all together and just oozed confidence.

But, come on, let's be honest.

Being a psych major, I've learned a few things about Carl Rogers, self-actualization, self-esteem, etc. According to him, we all need to love ourselves more. It makes sense.

But, I think he's wrong. Actually I know he is.

I love myself WAY too much. You see, when I think I need more love or praise I grow dissatisfied with myself and others even more. I become focused on perfecting how I look and act--and comparing myself to others. I begin living for the empty, fleeting praise of this world.

I don't want to be superficially charming and beautiful. I want to be beautiful in God's eyes because that kind of beauty doesn't fade. That's the kind of beauty people of this world can't quite put their finger on. 

{That beauty--that charm-- comes from dying.}

And I wish I would just die already! {my self focus, my pride, my desire for praise}

I asked my Savior how I could achieve His praise and delight--to be beautiful in His eyes.
{God always brings His Words at the right time. I am so thankful for His Word!}

But, anyway, this is what He reminded me with:

"Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” (Mark 8:34)

Deny myself. Take up the instrument of death. Follow Him. 

Okay, that middle one doesn't sound too pleasant, does it? But, we are called to kill our fleshly desires. Kill our selfishness. Kill MY pride.

He must increase; I must decrease. THIS is the key to overcoming insecurities. 

I don't want to be someone who's beauty is only in how well she puts on her makeup that morning. I want to be a girl that has a beauty you can't quite put your finger on...unless you know my Savior too :) 
  

HE>me. For me to live is Christ. By HIS grace.