Will I Be Able to Suffer?

52 days!!!!

Today I came across two very timely blogs/articles.

As you probably pretty well know I am going to be entering into a lifelong covenant, before God, with my best friend (hence the 52 days).

I kind of freaked out typing that, not going to lie. Don't get me wrong. I'm so excited!! I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else. So again, let me explain the freak out. There are a billion threads tying into this post, so bear with me.

Unfortunately I am a rather emotional person but I also tend to be very analytical, and as it has recently been said, I dissect things until they are dead-- three times over. (On my personality test my Think and Feel points were only 1 point apart! It's a war inside my head quite often, my friends.)

So let me tell you my emotions and analysis.
I really love stability and I fear change. There are so many changes going on in life right now-- friends going there separate ways, my nephew growing older, graduating college and considering the next steps-- I fear losing what I love--people I love. I tend to say "yes" to everything because I don't want to miss anything. I wish I could be everywhere, I wish I could remove all pain, and I suppose C.S. Lewis quite about love would fit in quite well right here:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Decline and death became more real to me this summer watching my grandma. Simply by getting older, you come to realize your mortality. And so there is the phrase that I will be saying,

"'til death do us part."

And I wonder what that will really mean. Today, after reading an article a friend had sent me about being able to suffer well-- the opposite of Job's wife. Enduring and being able to laugh all at once. Then, I came across an article about Alex & Brett Harris-- a few years older than me and the founders of the "Rebelution" whom I followed and read in high school. (Do Hard Things is a GREAT book for teens and, really anyone by the way!)  Both are now married, but one's wife became very ill after marriage and he now bathes her, carries her, and takes care of her. I also am reminded of a couple who was married even though they knew she would not live an average length of life. 

And so today, as I thoughtfully and intently looked at the man I'm going to be marrying in about 50 days I wondered-- what will have changed in 20 years? What hardships will we have faced? What about in 40 years? What will he look like? Will his hairline recede? Will he develop deep wrinkles in his forehead that reveal his age? What will I look like? When will my hair turn gray? What hard things will we have fought and held onto each other through?

And that, considering all the possibilities, the statistics, the what ifs, the fear of being uncomfortable and enduring pain, they could leave me paralyzed and unable to love freely. They could leave me running away or hovering-- grasping onto every last ounce of security I can possibly control.

Oh, and here is more about love. Since I finished my Radical Womanhood book by Carolyn McCulley I decided to pull out Tortured for Christ. The true love of Christ brought tremendous hardship, separated families, and lives ended-- men and women who joyfully endured and praised God as they met Him face to face. Greater love hath no man than this.

And so, here I am tying all these threads together-- knowing that I am called to love through the hardships. Love hopes and endures, after all. I am called to pour my life out, ultimately all for the glory of God but the method could be any. 

Love is sacrifice. Love NOW. Serve NOW.  Cherish all moments. Do not fear hardships-- they are not random or unnoticed. They are appointed. As children of the King we are never forsaken. This is not all there is--Heaven is coming. Laugh even in the hard times. Praise Him. Know that He is our strength, He is sovereign, He is our delight.

One last thing-- I cannot do this. We cannot do this. It must be Christ in us. As one of my psych professors says, we must be in a dependent and abiding relationship with Christ. Our hearts must be yielded to Him. It must be of Christ, for Christ, and through Christ. Pray for us, pray for your marriage or wherever God has you right now. Pray that love would abound and that Christ would increase. 

Being Engaged Really Stinks

I've been engaged for about 10 months now. 2 more to go. I wish I got married like...10 months ago ;)

And, it really stinks! But, I'm also really thankful for this stinky time.

Yes, it has also been beautiful-- the thrilling moments of putting my engagement ring on every morning and during the first month having a nightmare every night that I lost it and waking up to check that I still have it. (True story). There's also the moment of trying on bridal gowns for the first time, planning the wedding together, finding the venue and imagining the ceremony there, the bridal shower, looking for a house together to make a home, imagining being able to just "do life" together.

But, what stinks is that in my mind I'm basically married. It's a done deal already-- but we are not yet one and are unable to enjoy the benefits of being married.

No, I still go to my home every night and wake up by myself every morning just wishing that he was there. It still requires gas money to go see him, I can't have a hug whenever I want, and I can't fully relax and drift to sleep beside him.

But. I also know even after we are married I will still never be fulfilled by my husband. There will be parts of my heart that he is unable--and not even supposed to fulfill.

And so this season of more intense preparation, prepares me to learn to be satisfied with Christ. If I think my life is to be consumed with my fiancé or husband I am disillusioned and will be terribly unhappy. Of course, I am created for my husband as his helper. But he is not my god nor is he the true lover of my soul. In fact, I have an inkling that marriage will make us long for Christ and closeness with Him even more--and I pray, that David will drive me to Christ more and that I will do the same for him. I pray that our satisfaction in Christ, our intimate relationship with Him, will make marriage oh so sweet--a taste of Heaven and a foreshadowing of what is to come.

But-- to be satisfied in Christ-- what is it? Sometimes we hear broad stroked terms and phrases and it can be difficult to assess. So let's get a bit more specific.

Psalm 9: 1&2 (NLT) "I will praise you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High."

Psalm 16 (all of it--but let's look at 5, 8, 11)
"LORD, You alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine...I know the LORD is always with me, I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me... You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever."

Do I have joy--right now? Or is it--I would have joy if...?

I follow several "motivational" instagrams--but often the worldview is tainted. I can see that in just the simple phrase they post and I must guard my heart and mind even in this.

Today I saw this: "You are a product of your environment so only surround yourself with positive people."

Is there some truth to this statement? Yes. However, more so to the unbeliever than the believer. What we surround ourselves with DOES indeed affect us-- but our environment is NOT our determining factor. If that were so-- why could Paul be happy during his persecution? Our circumstances are not greater than our God or our relationship with Him. A terrible job, a nagging coworker, a rude family member, a failing economy, an unfulfilled dream-- all of these things do not define our joy. David declared that he had joy because of God's presence. Man. The nuisances of life will completely fade when I understand just who my God is and what He has done and is doing.

So, as I look forward to being able to marry my best friend in NINE WEEKS, I must remember what I am first created for--to know my Savior and to be known. It is God's grace that He has given me such a great friend that I will be able to live life. So yes, being engaged is really difficult--but I'm praying that the difficulty will result in a deeper, unshakable joy because of my God.

Dailies: Preaching to Self

It's the end of the day. It's been a good one. A Monday that began earlier than many Mondays. I set an alarm to rouse me to seek God. Normally, I would press snooze reckoning I can read a few verses in the evening or before a class. But, I would find myself restless and joyless. I would feel this aching gnaw in my heart-- "Lydia, please don't fit me in. Please, make me center."
And so, I am seeking to do just that. Striving to crave my Savior's words and face more than sleep or workouts. I am creating an image of the woman I hope to be to my children-- a mother who is gentle, hard working, and a mother who evidently presses into her Savior each morning, seeking His beauty throughout the day. I have this struggle. The "grind." The "no days off" struggle. The constant giving, pushing, and living by pulling myself up from my own bootstraps leaves me depressed-- because it's just ME. It's just finite, simple, little Lydia.

Lydia, whose emotions are at times unbearable. Lydia, the one who discouragement preys upon. I cannot live the constant no rest life. I need slow moments, to see my Savior.

I hate admitting my weakness. I hate being seen as "little". But, when I am weak He can be magnified.

Today, I read Psalm 9.
Verse 10 was my focal point for the day-- my treasure I carried with me.
"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD do not abandon those who search for you."

Is comfort and rejuvenation not embedded in that verse? He does not abandon those who search for Him. He is a shelter for the oppressed, He is just, He is fair, and He is our refuge.

Today, in the moments of my loneliness and uncertainty-- I could find rest because I chose to look to Him. Constant process. Constant battle. BUT the reward is sure. He will not abandon me.